All You Need Is Decks

Across the globe, students of reasonably good Red-Bricks and all that lies beneath who are struggling with their degrees or unsure of how to use them in the real world are having their worries disappear in an instant after making the decision to turn to the decks. If there’s one thing we’ve learned from the 21st century, it’s that everybody, absolutely everybody could and should become a DJ.

I’ll give you a brief summary of how DJing became the thing for me. I came to Birmingham University looking for a great time, like everybody does. But in that year of freshers, my whole house felt empty and lifeless, going to those stupid nights out that dreadful, soulless, and insignificant people go to etc, etc. I asked them all for a house meeting, and said ‘come on guys’ this isn’t good enough anymore. We’re not happy, with our cheap Panasonic stereo and clunky speakers, listening to Craig David and the Artful Dodger all day every day. We aren’t living, e’re just existing.’ They all agreed, but said they had no ideas or resolutions.

The kind of loser I was hanging around with at this point. Embarrassing.
The kind of loser I was hanging around with at this point.

The truth is that the prospects of the coming years of my undergraduate degree were dark. At one point I even phoned my mum and told her I was close to dropping out in favour of getting a career working for Dunelm, where all my home friends happened to be working at the time. Thank God that never happened.

Then one fine day in Selly, when the sun was shining bright on Heeley Road and I was lying in bed feeling sorry for myself, I got thrown a life line. And it was to be the lifeline that would rescue me from beginning a soul-destroying career in the furniture and decor industry. One of my friends sent me an SMS message asking if I wanted to go to a local club with him called the Rainbow Warehouse.

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The lad who sent the SMS, my mate Shen. Decent. Likes to think he’s Robert Dietz, but we both know I’m better. Decks are whack compared to mine as well.

‘The Rainbow Warehouse?’ I thought, ‘what can this be?’. At first I suspected this was a gay club, but then I learned that it was a place where people of all sexual inclinations were welcome to go to to take drugs and have a great time, whilst listening to some real bouncy music- which I was later to learn was known as deep house. I saw Hannah Wants (I don’t remember who else) and it was one of the most stella nights of my life. I watched Hannah intently for the entirety of her 2 hour set and her, the music, the sound system and some drugs that I took blew my mind. From thereon in I was set on becoming a DJ just like her (I know what you’re thinking and don’t worry, I’ve realised that Hannah is a talentless pest now of course, but at the time I thought she was good and I’m grateful that she was in the right place at the right time, good luck with your career Hannah, us DJs gotta look out for one another).

I sought out a new social life, expelled my boring house mates from my life and became part of a new clique of young and up-and-coming DJs- the best mixers in Selly Oak. I was amazed at how well I got on with them all, we all liked to wear Palace clothing and used adjectives like ‘bait’ and ‘stella’, they even came up with a banging new DJ name for me- DJ The Ferret. We used to have parties and I’d always be the first to lay my sets down, fag on the go, everybody watching always thought I was the man. My favourite track is Bax by Mosca and I put it in every mix I do because the crowd always loves it. It’s my thing. It sounds shit and I don’t even like it really! Isn’t that funny!

Anyway, so happy would I be during my mixing that I would pretend I was DJing around the house, when I wasn’t actually DJing, like when using the hob for instance. I still do this now and my mum laughs at me but it’s cool. There’s no music but it’s fine because I don’t actually like music or know much of it, I just like the way it makes me feel when I play it; sub-zero cool. And I’ve never felt like that before. I used to feel bad all the time, I used to have low self esteem. I used to hang out with my friends, listen to music and do drugs in my leisure time. These days I still do these things, but now I’m the selector. I used to listen to Coldplay, now I listen to Kerri Chandler sometimes. So yeah. How do you like them apples?

The truth is that everybody is a DJ now; me, Steve Davis, Harry Kane, David Dimbleby, my Grandma, your Grandma, The Lannisters, the Starks, Jesus, Ross from Friends, the milkman, the cat. But it’s still not enough. If you’re one of the stubborn ones,  if you aren’t currently a DJ or in the process of evolving into one, then you must ask yourself, why the hell not? DJing is categorically cool. DJing is good for the soul. DJing gets you the social life. DJing gets you a wife and kids. DJing sets you apart from the rest.

All you need is decks.

DJ The Sheriff

Postman resigns from job

It seems resignations are all the rage these days. In recent weeks we’ve had Nigel Farage resign as UK Prime-Minister, Roy Hodgson giving up his position as UKIP leader, David Cameron throwing in the towel as England boss, Chris Evans leaving his presenting role on Top of the Pops, and Chris Moyles leaving Radio 1 as well. As the role models and key figures of 21st century society in areas such as politics, sport, engines and radio, their resignations will undoubtedly influence many of our working public who may or may not be enjoying their own careers. We spoke to a local ex-postman about his own decision to quit posting things once and for all.

LOTR: Let’s get straight to the point shall we? You were a postman. Tell us a bit about your role.

Postman: Well I worked for the Royal Mail delivering various letters and parcels to various houses, I’ve been doing it for a period of twenty years now.

LOTR: So quite a long time then. And do you feel like you enjoyed most of your tenure as a postman?

Postman: Yes, best 20 years of my life. There really is no other job for me than being a postman. I’ve always said that.

LOTR: So what went wrong then?

Postman: Went wrong? Nothing went wrong. Why?

LOTR: Oh okay forgive me- I just thought your decision to resign meant that there was something that you might have been unhappy about. Working hours, wages, organisation, something like that?

Postman: No, no, postman was always the dream job. The smell of a good stamp in the morning, getting to know the streets, the houses, riding my big red bike with the basket at the front, saying hi to the kids and the parents and the elderly, God bless them all. Being a postman is kind of like being a celebrity, only people don’t recognise you in big cities, which is nice because I like doing shopping and going to the bank and things like that sometimes.

LOTR: So why have you decided to resign then?

Postman: I don’t really know. I thought it was a bit like striking. You know? Doesn’t everybody do it? Isn’t it a perfectly normal thing to do?

I took the time to explain to the postman what a resignation actually entails, he took it in his stride and smiled confusedly.

LOTR: So now you understand what you’ve done, do you regret your decision to quit your job?

Postman: No not really. There are plenty of things I’ve started doing since I officially resigned the other day.

LOTR: Oh right, like what?

Postman: So you mean outside of my job? I tried watching The Wimbledon Tennis at home but it was really boring and I didn’t have much time to watch it anyway. Most of my time I spend cycling round the village. Delivering cards. Packages, stuff like that…

The postman then realised all of a sudden that he had somewhere to be, and shot outside the front door of the house. I followed soon after. 

From conversations like this with the ordinary working public and from watching interviews with those celebrities who have also resigned from their jobs in recent weeks, a message has been sent out to all of Britain’s employed that doing any kind of job that you’ve got isn’t in the slightest bit essential. You can do a job, if you want. But if you don’t want to, you can just resign. Do something else. There are lots of things you can potentially do that aren’t a job, too many things to be listed here. The message is loud and clear;

‘if you want to discover the things that you can potentially do that aren’t a job or necessarily involved in any job then feel free to leave your job with a view to potentially getting another job, doing that job for a bit, doing that job forever, or resigning from that job whenever you feel like it. But don’t feel like you even really have to get a job after resigning from your current job at all if you don’t want to or feel like you might end up resigning from that job soon anyway.’

Rarely has such a liberating message been imparted to the British public, and in many areas, it is already starting to take effect.

Manchester United players know nothing about philosophy

After being whisked straight over from Brazil to Old Trafford for the 2014 season, Van Gaal came to the club with a specific set of philosophical ideas in mind, bringing a dilapidated Manchester United side a new, innovative, philosophical approach to football that got everyone talking. However it hasn’t all been sunshine and daisies since then, and two years later in 2016, after having failed qualify for the Champion’s League, Louis Van Gaal’s ‘philosophy’ has become the subject of heavy scrutiny.

After having reassured the media and his players no less than 573 times since becoming Manchester United coach that he has a clear ‘philosophy’ that he believes is suitable for the football club, it was all of a sudden revealed by a number of players after a 3-2 loss to West Ham United in midweek that they ‘know absolutely nothing’ about the subject.

When Catholic team captain and striker Wayne Rooney was asked what he thought about the usefulness of Saint Thomas Aquinas’ primary and secondary precepts to 21st Century Western society he responded irritably with “who the fuck is that?” and wheel-spinned off in his Bentley.

When we asked midfielder Bastian Schweinsteiger what he thought of the validity of German philosopher Immanuel Kant’s moral argument he responded with “oh so you’re one of those funny ones are you?”

We then caught up with left winger Ashley Young and asked him what philosophers he and the team admired and inspired their football and he looked perplexed and responded with “Philosophers aren’t actual things are they? I only know the one in Harry Potter and I didn’t even like those films”.

After suspicions that the entirety of the Manchester United dressing room don’t even know the basics of Philosophy, Van Gaal was questioned about the level of philosophical knowledge his team possessed and he responded with “no comment”.

One thing is for sure, if Manchester United are going to return to the form of their past glories, the team has two options- get rid of Louid Van Gaal and change to a more easily comprehensible series of ideas, like sociology or home economics, or get studying.

9 reasons you aren’t getting enough sleep

Sleep is and always has been crucial to humans. Most of us demand at least six to nine hours of it per day. Beds have become impeccably comfortable over the past fifty years, so why are those vital hours of rest proving so God damn unobtainable? Ground-breaking research has been undertaken to reveal why you might be struggling to land those vital hours of shut-eye.

You are sleeping in the wrong position– Sleeping on your front? This is not good enough as it puts pressure on the small of your back, which may result in the body folding up into a permanent right angle, making movement and travel almost impossible.
Sleeping on your side? This can be even more dangerous. Humans who do this on a consistent basis have been known to lose their vertebracy. Leaving the joints in an asymmetrical position can be known to have disastrous effects on the back. A man recently consulted his GP after 37 years of side sleeping, and was staggered to discover that his hands and feet had disappeared completely and he had turned into a mollusc.
Sleeping on your back? Good. Sleep flat on your back at all times, with limbs spread out in a star fish pattern. Imagining you are a starfish is optional and works for some people but can prove disconcerting to others. Give everything a try and see what works for you.

Your bed might not be vast enough- With global obesity rates rising in the UK, double beds are no longer sufficient to accommodate the breadth of an average person. Furniture stores all over the country have been forced to rapidly adjust the size of all ‘King-sized’ beds in order to suit the global average size of Kings, which is estimated to have increased by 45% in recent years. Make sure you have enough space to move, as falling out of bed at this rate could at best wake you up in the middle of the night, and at worst result in a heart attack and death or at the very worst floor penetration and death.

You are sleeping with too many pillows- Recent surveys reveal that 92% of people think it is acceptable to sleep with more than one pillow. They are wrong. The truth is that it is extremely hazardous to the neck and back to sleep with even one pillow. In order not to permanently impair these parts of the body and to secure an efficient night of sleeping, sleep with no pillows at all and fight the urge to use your upper arm, as this may violate the terms of the first heading.

You are sleeping with another person– If you are trying to sleep alongside another human being- perhaps a partner- then this may well be the cause of your inability to sleep. These circumstances allow for sex to potentially happen, which is a notoriously confusing and potentially uncatholic experience. To avoid being perturbed into lack of sleep you must sleep alone at all times.

You are sleeping with your mouth open- Sleeping with your mouth open could be threatening to a good night’s sleep for two reasons, firstly because it can leave you dangerously dehydrated and liable to get up in the middle of the night for water (or dehydration could always lead to death, of course). And secondly because it means you are leaving an opening for the arrival of all kinds of unsavoury creatures, from lethal microbes to small rodents and potentially life-threatening birds. Alternatively you must breathe through your nose at all times. The nostrils work effectively as a human sieve from unwelcome creatures, and are designed to protect the body from these, whereas the mouth is designed to welcome them for food.

You don’t have water sufficiently close at hand- Stupidly, many people wonder why they get no sleep and spend half of the night getting up to go to the bathroom for mouthfuls of water to prevent them from death. This entails waking up and moving from the bed and therefore should be avoided. To avoid this, keep a 2 litre bottle of water in bed with you at all times with the cap screwed on (to avoid water disturbance and dampness which could also lead to drowning and death).

The temperature is incorrect for sleeping- One of the most common causes for insomnia is an incorrect temperature. We find that anything in between 0 degrees Celsius and 37 degrees is optimum temperature (if you are unfamiliar with this 21st century unit of temperature, then it is likely your house is too cold and you should address this as a matter of urgency). If you are sleeping outside of this range then you will almost certainly encounter at best sleeping difficulties and at worst- death.

Your life might be too busy and/or stressful- Do you often have future events and occasions which cause you to lie awake in anticipation? If so you might need to cancel these events, in order to ameliorate the frantic state of mind that prohibits you from grasping those sacred hours of rest. Your lack of sleep might be entirely due to a failure to ‘get your shit together’. If you have any personal issues you must try to get rid of them and become a happier person. Also if you have depression- get rid of it. Making these transitions will result in less soul-shaking nightmares, and generally much more pleasant almost utopian dreams that barely relate to your own disappointing life at all.

You’re counting the wrong animal- Throughout its existence the latest species of hominid has always been told that the counting of sheep will result in a greater likelihood of sleep. This has been proven by scientists to be incorrect, as sheep have been proven to be too disturbing as creatures to make this theory viable in practice (their larynxes produce preposterous vibrations, if you haven’t noticed).
A psychological study incorporating a wide range of British creatures concluded that the most effective one to count in order to induce sleep were ferrets. The counting of all other animals proved to be ineffective for all participants. Psychologist Pauline Scuddlen-Fid of Oxford University stated: “It is not clear why ferrets are the best animal to count but they definitely are. So we should count them instead probably”.

Now if you follow every single one of these steps to the letter, you might just start getting those forty winks you deserve. But you must take this seriously or risk wasting your precious time.

Happy sleeping!

Marijus Adomaitis- to be forgiven?

I wanted to cover this story and my thoughts on it, primarily because this producer is one whom I have grown to hold in extremely high esteem over recent years. I’ve also read nothing about the debacle that is not succinct and predictably uniform in its content as a result of being published by the likes of THUMP or MIXMAG, so this will be my unmitigated personal response.

Previously this June Marijus Adomaitis or Mario Basanov or Ten Walls very idiotically said some absolutely revolting homophobic remarks on Facebook. Some of which I wouldn’t even like to copy because of their appalling vulgarity and disgusting use of sexual imagery but I’ll post a small extract from them below. He described gay people as a ‘different breed’ and likened homo-sexuality to the pedophilia of priests. It is a mind-bogglingly stupid thing even to think, let alone publicize on the world’s biggest social network. It was a tremendous shame to read:

‘Unfortunately a priest’s lie for many years was uncovered when children were massively raped.

Unfortunately the people of other breed continue to do it and everyone knows it but does nothing.’

I was staggered about this because the quality of his music, its depth and the sheer amount of it that exists is more than sufficient testimony to his genius as a creator. He is also every bit as good a DJ as he is a producer, which is obvious from listening to his mixes and sets like this for example. For me this genius is evident mostly in relation to his music produced under the name of Mario Basanov, whom a devastating amount of people seem to be completely unaware of the existence of. I genuinely think anybody would like his music who is in possession of a half-decent soul. The sounds are always extremely pleasing to the ear and demonstrate an extremely erudite and competent knowledge of music from around the world. The music has a miraculous ability to engage me as a listener, the vocals are pretty much mesmerizing, tracks such as Under Your Feet, Slip Away, We Are Child Of Love, and I’ll Be Gone are perhaps his finest.

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Then we move onto his second and more popular alias; Ten Walls. I must say I only like three tracks from Ten Walls; Gotham, Requiem and then Walking With Elephants which much like The Inbetweeners were actually so good that they won over the national populace and subsequently became almost unplayable. I must have heard Walking with Elephants four times in the same day at Bestival at Port in 2014 and by this time the novelty had worn off. Gotham however I must have listened to thousands of times and I am able to return to it even now for its enchanting and peculiar Gothic quality. These tracks definitely demonstrate a new and trademark approach to electronic music. I very much enjoy their melancholy tone- smooth melancholy sounds in music are always the best for a person who fails to perpetually subscribe to facile bursts of optimism. They are dark and sad but uplifting because they reconcile one with the dark and the sad whilst flattering the ear drums by giving them a bath of glorious electronic profundity. The Venezuelan duo Fur Coat have taken the wheel for me now in his absence but we all know Adomaitis has so much more to offer, being only 32 years old.

Which brings us back to the scandal, after which rather predictably he came out with the following:

‘I want to apologize for the former post in my account. I am really sorry about its insulting content which does not reflect my true opinion. I hope this misunderstanding will not provoke any more thoughts and opinions. Peace’ 

Until I fully investigated what he said in the first place and read his very recent declaration of apology I was under the wishful belief that what he said was in fact a parody of homophobic fascism, but unfortunately I was wrong. It follows:

‘I’m Marijus Adomaitis aka Ten Walls. Earlier this year I posted comments on my Facebook page, that I deeply regret. My post was linked to homophobia and was very offensive. I am ashamed to have hurt so many people: my family, my country, my colleagues, my friends, the Global LGBT community and many others. Since then I have taken time out to reflect on what I did and work out a way of apologizing that expresses how sorry I am.

I am saddened by my own behavior and the impact of my actions on others. I offended a lot of people, was the cause of horrible debates, wrecked both my own and the confidence of others and ruined the plans for many people I was working with. Understandably, I was labeled homophobic and I am not and never have considered myself to be this way. I have to tell you that my action was completely out of character and done at a particularly angry and stressful time in my life. This is not an excuse, but I would like you to know that the content of my post is not a true reflection of my feelings. For many years I have been happily working and collaborating with people from different cultures, religious and sexual attitudes. I have always respected everyone.

My post made no sense, even to me. I’m a musician. My music is for everyone in this world. I always try to unite people to promote respect, equality and tolerance, love and peace. It is my priority as a music maker, in music there is no space for discrimination. It is my intention to do something in my home country of Lithuania, to support LGBT groups and educate others on acceptance and tolerance. I am now part of a group of people who have created an electronic opera ‘Carmen’ with a strong message of this. I hope my involvement in this project will be the first step to educating others in my home country that homophobia is simply not acceptable and that everyone should be free to live the life they choose.

I am sorry for what I have done. I am sorry I let myself down. I hope you can forgive me and that one day through my actions and future behaviour,I will once again be accepted for my music.

Sincerely Yours,

Marijus / Ten Walls’

You see the thing is, once you do something quite as tragic and ignominious as Ten Walls did and you get caught red-handed to the point where serious love has been lost by the public, in any situation practically, an apology is always going to be completely necessary but at the same time also a completely worthless endeavour. It is necessary for two obvious reasons; Firstly in order to reconcile oneself with your newly created adversaries and try and rectify the upset that one has created. And secondly the apology is necessary for the benefit of his own personal welfare in order to re-establish his life and career. This is where the worthlessness of the apology comes in because we will never know which reason he was concerned most with when apologising, and we will never know its true value or purpose. Even if the apology does pledge his support to LGBT groups across the Baltic states, we still do not know!

Midland was one of the skeptical and vehement doubters of the sincerity of this apology and excoriated it thus:

Sorry I said some really disgusting things about gay people, I apologise as it might affect my record sales. Yours. Ten Walls.

What Midland said is obviously fair enough. But much more thought needs to be put into this now the heat has died down. A point has to be made here about the significance of geography in determining cultural values. If you go to Saudi Arabia you will find yourself in a country which brutally enforces radical Islamic law on its citizens. In Afghanistan the national sport is Buzkashi -(literally “goat dragging” in Persian) or the sport in which horse-mounted players attempt to drag a goat or calf carcass toward a goal, when in our case we replace the goat for a bouncy sphere. If you go to China they do bad things to dogs, whereas we keep them on leads, name them and take them out for walks. If you go to the United states you will find people who when they want to find out about what’s going on in the world will tune into Fox News whereas we British tend to be pretty fond of Trevor Mcdonald.

In the UK we probably fail to participate in these activities and tendencies and would probably be appalled to see them practiced on our Island in the Atlantic. But do we deserve credit for our own perhaps more refined standing points? No of course not because the experiences shared in every country that shape the attitudes of the people are COMPLETELY different and play a FUNDAMENTAL role in shaping them. Whether it’s what religion we have, what sport we play, what animals we choose to cultivate or slaughter, what news channel we watch or what views we have of the homosexual community, they are all to a large extent the product of our environments and therefore often largely out of our control. And some of them are always going to be horrifying. Our environment here in the UK for example just happens to be one which has adapted to become highly respectful of other races, nationalities, and sexualities (although I know that it may be argued; NOT ENOUGH! But this is a different conversation altogether). Who knows, in another country maybe even the glorious and morally bullet-proof you and I could have been been the proponents of fascistic balderdash?

I went to Lithuania (Marijus Adomaitis’ home country) this summer and I heard from a few of people that their views on things like homosexuality are generally less developed than ours in the UK due to various factors. I know that this isn’t credible evidence to argue that point, and I know that it won’t apply to a large percentile of Lithuanians who have come to respect minority groups of their own accord and deserve respect for that to the same degree as everybody else does but sadly it seems to have applied to Marijus Adomaitis in this instance. And from this perspective it simply doesn’t make sense for the likes of Midland to get on their high-horses here, because there is serious reason to doubt that Marijus Adomaitis had the same opportunities to become as understanding of homosexuals as they have.

Now you see ladies and gentlemen I realise that having written what I have here I have effectively taken off my trainers, raised my arms to my sides and stepped onto a tight-rope over a fifty thousand foot drop into the abyss. Or I am in danger of appearing as if I am advocating acceptance of fascist viewpoints and am suggesting that we should accept that people hold these views and not challenge them. But quite the contrary! I am saying that we would do well to understand the reasons for the origins of these unacceptable opinions and then it is therefore subsequently an OBLIGATORY duty for us to fight this ignorance with our own much more reasonable opinions. And if that means being vehement about it then yes- whatever is necessary for destroying the ignorance that is the root of all the strange evils and unsophisticated contempt emerging all over the place in the 21st century world!

Everybody was correct in cancelling Marijus’ bookings for the summer. Everybody was right in attacking him on Twitter. And I would accept that the guy has had to seriously question his homophobic attitudes as a result of that (actually believing what was stated in his most recent apology). Ten Walls has been made to pay for his crime in reputation, career and personal misery. Regardless of how possibly dubious the motives might be for his apology he has done everything in his power to repent. My question is would it not be tremendously unmerciful and perhaps even hateful for us not to forgive him and then cast him to the west wind like a palm full of dust never to be appreciated again for eternity? Would this not express the same hatred (and dare I say, intolerance?) that we were trying to vanquish in the first place?

Will we now choose to make him suffer further and also suffer ourselves by depriving ourselves of this man’s remarkable music? We should not. We must respond with Hitchens-esque rationality here and Jesus-esque compassion. Forgive the man! Forgive him and respond to any future episodes of bigotry from anybody else with the same righteousness and vehemence that has been shown to Ten Walls (And good on us! (: )

The public’s righteous and vehement reaction to his words was surely the result of the rational and compassionate principles that were being threatened by this DJ’s ignorant and nasty words. So it would only be fitting to appeal to those principles again now. Yes we should forgive Marijus Adomaitis, because it is the most rational and the most compassionate thing to do.

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Jellyfish speaks out against climate change

Recently the courageous, highly venerated and rational thinking Pope decided that enough was enough and it was time to speak out against climate change and really save our Planet from the brink of disaster and unnecessary turmoil. But he isn’t the only one to have realised the importance of protecting the planet from human destruction, 3 months later an Atlantic jellyfish who wishes to remain anonymous came forward and stressed the importance of a greener future. During interview his tone of speech alternated between both inexorable ire and soul-crushing disappointment. The jellyfish had recently returned from an annual family retreat to the Pacific to find that his journey was massively obstructed by human plastic, much of which he consumed by accident. On this journey the mostly translucent jellyfish had the misfortune of swallowing a Carlsberg beer bottle cap, which will now remain permanently visible through his translucent stomach pouch until the end of his days. The jellyfish professes that the addition of this cap has led him to experience both tremendous physical discomfort and widespread ridicule from the jellyfish community.

“Carlsberg isn’t even a nice beer. That’s what makes having this cap all the more irritating.” The jellyfish told us as he burst into tears. “I’ve somehow become a living advertisement for a product that I don’t even appreciate. Can you imagine how humiliating that is for me?” The jellyfish is also a teetotal proponent of socialism, which fuels his contempt for having this cap permanently on display which has often led to him being mistaken for a less intelligent, capitalistic jellyfish.

“The water is getting too hot now. And the acid in it is burning my tentacles. Enough is enough now” he continued.

“This has got so out of hand now. Humans are NOT amphibious creatures. They should keep all of their horrible human made materials somewhere out of the way of other life or at the very least on land! You don’t see us lot trashing the continents with our filth. We keep ourselves to ourselves in the ocean.”

The jellyfish then went on to describe an area often visited by him and other jellyfish known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch which is essentially a cluster of rubbish in the ocean estimated by some media reports to equate  to be ‘twice the size of the continental United States’.

“It’s absolutely unreal how much garbage is there. My family and I are increasingly disgusted by it as we swim by it each year. It just gets bigger and bigger. How big will it have to get before you dumb humans realise the importance of recycling your plastics?”

“It’s all right for that Pope to come out and say it from his lovely Pope-sized bed in the Vatican, on his specially made Pope-Ipad. We jellyfish don’t believe in the Heaven, so this hideously awful plastic-ridden ocean life is all we’ve got. It’s us fish life who have to pick up the pieces from your mess (literally)! I don’t even think humans are considering how the jellyfish is affected by climate change.”

We couldn’t help but sympathise.

Bad Language

I have been castigated all my life by certain people for my choices of language and continue to be, even today. What’s worse is that in certain social situations the use of a swear word has become ignominious, leading to the castigation I speak of and perhaps even worse than this; people apologising on your behalf! We need to clear the air here and eradicate this disingenuous approach towards ‘bad language’. We also need to establish what constitutes ‘bad language’ properly.

I don’t believe that it is ‘unacceptable’ to use certain words because they are wrong in themselves, which is what we have all learned from an early age- being taught this by our parents and teachers. That approach is far too deontological for my liking (who do these people think they are, Kant?). The strength or acceptability of somebody’s language should be in no way determined by whether or not they choose to use curse-words, it depends entirely on the way they speak generally and the way they choose to include these words in their sentences. It is possible to be the proponent of extremely bad language without swearing, and extremely good language whilst swearing. Obviously.

It is perhaps ironic how those who admonish the use of bad language and swear words are the ones who have elevated those words to their current status and made them extremely desirable words to use. Swear words have a gravity to them. Fuck is the word I use the most. It is a very charged word, like monster, or smack, or coke, or fire (All these words have so much of what I like to call a charge that they get taken for the purpose of multiple meanings, mostly to very shall we say- extravagant things). One finds that short, sharp syllables are perfect for a devastating little charge.

Fuck doesn’t ever get used referring to its actual meaning. I feel that all swear words, because they are swear words have deviated from their literal meanings and their importance is now only really due to their power and their charge. I don’t like to use these words aggressively, so I use them largely whilst attempting to be humourous, or being typically sardonic and realistic in the English way, during reflections on instances which are far from ideal- shall we say. Swearing just helps that. Look at this use by David Mitchell, for example. Swearing makes things funny. In a way it’s deeply saddening that most people don’t like or get this humour, and therefore castigate it and as a result are intimidated by it. These are most likely the kind of people who watch stuff like The Big Bang Theory. So at this point I cease to care, really…

I know where the anti-swearing brigade is coming from sometimes- these words get a bad name. You go to hellish places like McDonalds or Sileby and you hear swear words being used in a hideous and intimidating fashion by people who have frightful voices, frightful faces and frightful vocabularies. Morning swearing in particular can be too much and have the power to disturb the ever strove-for morning peace. The words are just too conspicuous sometimes and it can be advisable to avoid using them for the purposes of convenience. Yes. Used in certain environments they can sometimes they stand out and deflect the conversation away from its intended premise. But this is where, your meaning has to supersede the swearing. When best used, swearing amplifies the meaning and adds to the proposition or idea being presented. It is the only language that can truly be used to highlight the absurdity of things, when they are truly, truly absurd.

I remember the day when I learned a word, in year 5 at lunch time. Some big guy called Harry told me of the existence of a superior swear word, one swear word to rule them all. I instantly bothered and bothered him to learn what it was and eventually he gave in and revealed it to me. The word was cump. I have a vivid memory of learning the word cump but obviously I soon learned that this was not the word I had been looking for. There could be three possibilities for this: I either misheard the word, big Harry thought the word was actually cump, or most likely- Big Harry knew what the word actually was and decided to give me an incorrect variation; possibly to protect me from the overpowering vulgarity, possibly for humorous purposes.

Which brings me to the c-word. I still often hear extreme hostility towards this word and again I get why. But it is the same with all swear words really, it only emanates its true meaning if you use it in that way or hear it in that way. It’s the same with fuck- which again I rarely use it in its proper context. When cunt became the one swear word to rule them all, it officially acquired an entirely different meaning altogether. I think we can all be quite certain that if this word was used to mean its true meaning, it would be too conspicuous to ignore and its use would become unbearable. Some guy would say something, then the use of the the one swear word to rule them all would completely trump everything else he was saying, deflecting his true meaning and terminating the development of the conversation, implanting other irrelevant images and associations within the minds of his listeners. God forbid this guy would be trying to say something of importance, in a combat situation, perhaps (Super Hans plagiarism acknowledged). So in this instance, c word-not practical, c word-not good.

But a defense of the occasional use of the c-word- there are certain people who when one describes I would suggest it would be an offence to call anything other than a cunt. To describe Rupert Murdoch, Kanye West, that horrible landlord who threatens to throw you out of your property because you sent him an email asking for a bed in stead of a dirty jagged metal mattress, Donald Trump, Bill O’Reilly, Tony Blair, Bush, David Cameron, Katie Hopkins or Mother Teresa for example. What words would you consider ascribing to them if not the C-bomb? The C is all these people deserve.

We could take a mildly inventive approach and beginning with the non-scatological and clean, non-swear words, we might call these horrible people;

Idiot, jerk, cow, git, twit, cretin, louse, pig, prat, rat, scumbag, tool, buffoon.

These words taking you back to your old geography teacher perhaps? I bet he called you them a few times, unless you were especially enthusiastic about map-reading. Although, to be honest, the geography teachers I had had some serious wrath backed up, they were pretty uncrossable. You could tell they swear all the time in private, use these amusing words as substitutes when hurling abuse at sweaty little adolescents, often achieving humorous value. If there is anything in this blog worth learning, it is not to fuck with a geography teacher.

Personally I would call someone a louse if I could remember to. I could maybe even use the word prat if I wanted to. Occasionally I think of a really amusing non- curse word to call people but then I often forget what word I have tried to remember… forever. Goblin in pretty good. Or something fungus related? I wouldn’t want to be considered fungus. Frog spawn is a good term to describe someone, but I’d be careful not to pluralise someone by accident, especially a twat. Maybe one day we might be creative and innovative enough to use non curse-words instead of expletives, but we shouldn’t hold our breath because expletives are both convenient and effective.

The true Bad Language that needs to be addressed here and possibly criticized is the uniform robot language that most people use. Whenever one expresses them self in any kind of inventive way, not just through language, the proponents of the true bad language are bewildered and call you ‘weird’ because they are so accustomed to absolutely everything in their life being dull and familiar. They don’t try and understand anything, and only value people of a certain narrow-minded type; the only people they actively choose to seek in their lives. If ever there was a Utopian society on Earth these people would focus on addressing their narrow-minded approaches to language before castigating others for their choices. In Utopia, instead of telling people off for swearing, people would be told off for not being expressive enough and using shit words. I won’t make a list of all those words that most people say all the time, but they’re crap and you will probably know exactly what they are when you come across them. Even when used ‘ironically’ they are still shit, because we know that they’re actually the only words they know. They don’t ever pull anything better out of the bag.

Getting towards the end of this, I believe that language has an enormous power to define an individual. You can judge someone on their choice of language. Shit people use shit words. Shit people are afraid of using words that other people do not yet use. So avoiding the use of expletives is not the most important thing. Expression is the most important thing.

Great people create their own words, bring old words back into play, mix things up. We are all different, only some people are the same and therefore rely on talking the same crap, the same crap that other people use. Learn to love words. You say them every day, don’t be a boring mollusc, retreating to the slimes of mediocrity. Express yourself. Language is an excellent opportunity to do so. Combine words that have not yet been combined. Words that juxtapose one another like acid and alkali. Is it purple or is it red? You decide. Fucking be litmus paper. You only get one life.

If you’re still a castigator after hearing my views on the matter, why not turn to Stephen Fry? Who often deconstructs stupidity, much like a dreadfully ergonomic spanner might deconstruct a poorly made Apollo mountain bike.

(But you have to be careful. I did an audition for Eggheads over the phone and had to answer a series of quiz questions. When I didn’t know the answers I said on a couple of questions “Oh fucking hell” inadvertently. He didn’t react to it over the phone but unsurprisingly, we didn’t get on the show and we were left bitterly disappointed. The regret still plagues me to this day…)