Dream 2602

At the rave. Music stops. Skinny whopper standing on podium at the side starts to make a speech. I heckle him.  Why is he talking? What is he even talking about? Others heckle him. I can’t remember what happened in the end but I’m certain he chased and tried to kill me and my retinue earlier in the dream. He didn’t catch me of course.

I keep finding loads of 50 pence pieces at some point and I try to pick them all up and fail.

Some girl’s boyfriend doesn’t like me and puts a shotgun in my face whilst we are on a climbing frame which turns out to be some really weird weapon that doesn’t actually work like a gun. I couldn’t describe the way it works but it involves a box and many knives. He explains to me that he takes it to festivals because they don’t actually realise it’s a firearm.

My friends propose a game of football by the river but I explain that it’s too dark and the ground is horrible so we don’t play.

Sitting in a tent with my friend S.A and rolling a cigarette but realising i’ve put 10 x the right amount of baccy in it and the baccy is almost never ending and I pinch it with my fingers. We laugh hysterically.

The baccy also contains grass, leaves and moss.

I sneak into a Leicester City presentation meant for all the greatest Leicester City fans who are all in tears and singing a strange Leicester City chant that I couldn’t possibly have heard before. I decide to stand at the door, and act as some kind of door man, so as to not feel out of place.

Dream 2502

Last night was just a dog mostly. I returned home to find that my family had acquired an extremely small, but extremely gregarious little dog. It was probably one of the smallest dogs you can get, with really long and curly light brown hair so it was almost more like a guinea pig. I developed an extremely good relationship with it, and it seemed to love me, which was nice. I felt like I’d been saved.

It would rub its face on my face then it would run around the garden, disappearing under the conifers. I smiled and I felt really happy in the presence of it (I’m ambivalent towards dogs in real life, interestingly). It would jump on top of my shoulder and then stay there for a bit and I’d walk around showing everyone and they’d say aww isn’t that cute.

It wasn’t just an ordinary dog though, occasionally it would morph into an iguana with a really big frill around its neck a bit like a triceratops, but it would always attempt to do this in secret.

That’s dreams for you.

Dream 2402


I went to Tesco with my brother and looked at an extremely oversized pick and mix section for a long period of time without buying anything. I was searching for some sweets that had the tag no gelatine on them, and only found one compartment and the sweets were black and horrible (I hate liquorice) so I didn’t buy anything.

I kept seeing people I knew because it was apparently the Tesco in Shelthorpe I was in, which is situated in Loughborough, which is my home town. I don’t like seeing people from the past. Many people from the past saw me, but pretended they hadn’t and scurried off down the aisles to hide from me, which was fine.

My brother offered me a sweet at some point and it got horribly stuck in my braces for a long period of time, possibly throughout the entire dream. Then I tried to buy the same massive bottle of diet coke twice, but when I was in the queue the second time all the customers just decided to leave the shop before paying because something was going on in the car park. I took the opportunity to only pay for my coke once and got out of there, knowing that I’d hustled the system.

Nothing was happening in the car park and all the customers went home, or vanished. I went to the corner of the car park where my friend Paul was parked, and we sat together in the car. Then some horrible scallies at the other end of the car park started throwing pine cones at us so we started throwing pine cones back. It was going a bit too far so I ended up shouting a c bomb at them because I hated them. And then the head scally, ginger haired and wearing a black hoody with lots of printing on it started getting really angry and him and his peers decided to make their way over to us for combat of a non pine-cone based form.

“Get in the car!”

We all got in the car.

“Run them over if you have to Paul,” I said. Paul said “will do” and them slammed down the accelerator. Can’t remember what happened next, but we were all safe.

Then shortly after this …

I was arrogantly flying around my village by flapping my arms and then looked over an extremely big and pittoresk bridge and thought ‘I’m not ready to fly over that’, but deep down I knew I was, because I was a skilled flier now after these 5000 flying lessons I’d been having in previous dreams. Flying/gliding, I can do both now very confidently. So anyway somehow I ended up off falling off the edge, which was fine but I ended up clinging on to an extremely large and wide sign advertising a local pub, and ended up detaching it from the top of the bridge. I panicked because I was obviously going to get caught for this, because everybody was presumably watching me anyway in amazement. But then I managed to nail it straight back on whilst hanging almost in mid air. Phew. End of dream.



American Football

American football is horrible.

American football is primordial but with an obtrusively horrible American tinge.

American football is shit.

American football is not football, in any way, shape or form whatsoever.

American football is horrible.

American football is less enjoyable and less stimulating to watch than Steve Davis either playing snooker or talking about snooker.

American football is shit.

American football is all 7 of the deadly sins in one pointless, soul-destroying package.

American football is horrible.

American football is a serious challenge to any ideas about the possibility of evolutionary-theory.

American football is shit.

American football is capitalism – smack bang, eyes wide open, trying to rub your shoulder and make you sign up for shit car insurance -smack you in the face- offers you a chilled glass bottle of red coke on a yacht in the mediterranean with your name on the side- gives you a hug and then asks about your mobile phone tariff- Apple tattoo on your bollocks- capitalism.

American football is horrible.


Peep Show Gone Wank

I’ve always championed Peep Show as the best, because it was the best. It represented the epitome of cynical and dark British humour and its unique interactive method of filming elevated it to a whole new kind of viewing experience. Its penultimate series was shown at the end of 2012, about 3 years ago, then at some point in this year we were all thrilled to hear that we would be given one final series. This series concluded this December, and the last episode ever was shown last night. And it’s safe to say, after watching all 6 episodes, its glorious mojo has well and truly evapourated.

The truth is that the plots in this series have become hideously implausible, and well and truly outrageous even by Peep Show’s standards. It’s almost as if they ran out of ideas, or lost connection with the show over the three years they weren’t active. Everybody who ever fell in  love with the show in the first place must have been having a lot of question marks at the lengths it went to here.

Everyone from JLB got back together working in the bank- Just a bit tediously convenient.

The central heating paranoia- Why does he become so obsessive about this? He buys cameras throughout his house. Is it money he cares about? It was executed well this joke, but again it’s implausible, and conveniently arrives in this final series.

Jeremy turns gay- A man just doesn’t come out gay all of a sudden. Yes Jeremy is quirky and sometimes unpredictable but come on!

Mark lets Jeremy draw on his eyebrows, thinking that this is a funny idea- Based on Indiana Jones. I re watched the clip of this, and it’s not even Harrison Ford who does it, it’s one of his female students. It simply doesn’t work as an idea. It’s preposterously bad. He later wears blue eye shadow to conceal it. Side splitting. He then refuses to blink for a long period of time. Also side splitting. He even draws on the stilton with permanent marker. Oh please. This whole episode was a pathetic mess.

Mark makes a caserole with lettuce, beans and eggs- Again incredibly extreme. Not really characteristic of Mark.

Mark does coke- Mark wouldn’t even drop a pill for a girl in the glory days. I mean it’s not that bad of them, but it’s certainly another implausible plot line, and they begin to add up.

A bank robber appears!- Bank robbers. Where have they been the previous 8 series?

April comes back- Some things are better off left in the past. He left her in Darty. Which was funny, because it was classic, slightly evil, incompetent Mark. He doesn’t just decide a few series later to go and track her down! Unless the writers can’t come up with anything else, perhaps.

Mark has sex with April in the toilet of a Kid Farm- Just another thing that is incredibly unrealistic for two very boring characters.

The snake goes missing in the Kid Farm- We’ve had the fucking snake going missing before! Why does it have to go missing again? I’m tired of this!

Jeremy drinks his own piss- Nothing to add.

Jeremy empties a cereal box on somebody’s floor antagonistically- Familiar?

Jeremy Kidnaps April’s husband- Jeremy does it so that Mark can replace him on a cruise holiday to Greece, by seizing April’s husband, and texting april on his phone saying he’s gone to Ibiza. This is just obscene. Jeremy is not this stupid, or this evil. I didn’t laugh, not even a tiny bit. I felt like I’d seen it a million times before.

Why did Peep Show feel like it needed to stretch this far?

Now a lot of people reading this might claim that all of this madness fits in with the storyline, that everything was meant to descend into chaos for the final series. And it may have. But the characters were simply not the same ones from the previous seasons. The same jokes were repeated over and over again, and they had absolutely none of the biting gumption of previous episodes but they were spoken as if they had.

It wasn’t all bad. There were glimmers of excellence, Superhans’ wedding for example, when the twins were momentarily revealed to us. The needless water boarding. The shoe laces method of homicide. The third-person camera angle at the end couldn’t have failed to induce melancholy. But Peep Show, oh my good friend from since I was 12, you forgot yourself this time, and you ran out of ideas.