‘How good is it to be one of you at the minute?’ You might ask a hedgehog somewhere. Well, the answer you get could be awful or brilliant, depending on where you’re asking.
In urban areas across the UK, the big cities like London, Manchester and Birmingham the population of hedgehogs has been in serious decline. This is due to the many roads they must cross, and the preponderance of vehicles driving on them. In London in 2018 it was estimated that 96% of hedgehog deaths are caused by being ran over by automobiles.
But if you went further away from the city, into small villages like Barrow Upon Soar, you might find that the hedgehogs are happy and thriving. Why? simply because of a lack of busy roads and cars to kill them with.
I spoke to a man in the Co-op on the High Street the other day who said that the previous day when exploring the cupboard under the stairs, he found a hedgehog feeding a litter of eleven baby hedgehogs, which had well and truly soiled the carpet. In a video that went viral, a very angry middle aged man spoke to BBC Leicester, advocating a cull approach.
“I keep finding I can’t leave the house without coming across multiple hedgehogs now, only the other day I found one in me van. Tripping over them on the pavement. It’s beyond a joke now, we’re becoming a laughing stock in Barra now, the hedgehog village they’re all callin us. Nicky Morgan knows it’s appening but she aint done nothing, It’s disgusting. And I say Theresa May needs to develop a backbone and get culling. ”
Another very confused and upset lady submitted a post to a local Facebook Group called Spotted Barrow in which she claimed that a gang of hedgehogs had gone in through the cat flap one night and eaten her cat, though she had no evidence to support this claim.
It is estimated that in Barrow Upon Soar today, which has a population of 5000, there are 700,000 + hedgehogs disturbing the quality of life. A prominent zoologist with a speciality in hedgehogs said
“As long as the hedgehogs outnumber the humans, the hedgehogs will continue to dominate the village and multiply, whereas in major cities, where humans outnumber the hedgehogs, the humans will continue to multiply and exterminate the hedgehogs until there are none left. ”
I asked the man “if the hedgehogs were to continue to multiply at such an alarming rate, what do you think would happen?” I was shocked to hear his response.
“It works the same way. They would drive humans out of the area, or worse, if they refused to leave, gang up on the humans and exterminate them until there were none left.”
Could hedgehogs be capable of human massacre? It’s impossible to say.
The hedgehog is known to zoologists as a ‘complete fuckin badass’ and not without good reason. Did you know hedgehogs have been around for 15 million years, are able to swim and scale near vertical wire fences, they kill and eat snakes, and travel at speeds of up to 6 mph? So next time you hear about a zoologist ranting passionately for hours about the creature, you’ll have a clue of what it’s all about.
So what can be done?
The government issued a statement declaring that a cull would be too difficult to execute due to how intelligent, fast, and crafty the species is. No body wants to risk their life fighting against a hedgehog, as nobody knows what it is capable of in situations of human combat. Also- among many, far from being considered vermin, the hedgehog is revered as a graceful, beautiful and almost holy beast. A true symbol of British patriotism.
So a cull is off the table.
Option one of course is to move to a big city. But this seems like a drastic approach, not everybody wants that much concrete for starters. Barrow is a decent, clean, green and safe village, not like neighbouring villages such as Sileby, which is crawling with barbarians. Besides, it seems very much like upping sticks means letting the hedgehogs win. We survived the black death and the first world war. We’re better than this.
Option two is to learn to live with them. The government said that residents of villages such as Barrow Upon Soar facing this problem buy vehicles with quattro such as Jeeps and Land Rovers to maximise hedgehog fatalities as well as for their own safety.
“Land Rovers and Jeeps are good, but by far the best option is to buy a tractor.”
Selling your car and replacing it with a tractor might sound great but most are only built to carry one-two persons, and it might entail having to leave a bit earlier in the mornings for work.
The government also recommended that villagers wear large, horrible leather boots that go up to the knees to protect the legs and feet from spikes. Boots such as these
Whatever you do, remember to respect the hedgehog, but above all, yours and your family’s safety.
LordoftheReeves 