Phights

After a few successive days of thinking, watching, talking about and even participating in the physical battles between homo sapiens I have decided to get down some of my thoughts and ideas so that people can hopefully develop an understanding or a different point of view.  I suppose my writing here could be interpreted as a persuasive article opposing human-on-human fighting.

Having been outside the bus stops in town a lot between the hours of 3 and 4 AM I have witnessed first hand many arguments between people which have resulted in physical assault. A common or typical example of the circumstances of one of these fights is that Jeremy lamps Gottfried because Gottfried has previously had sexual intercourse with Jeremy’s current fancy-piece. Or perhaps Gottfried accidentally knocks into poor Jeremy and Jeremy isn’t best pleased. (always truly pathetic reasons).Verbal dross pours from both gentlemen’s’ mouths such as “I’ll fucking knock you out mate” and most commonly and most hideous of all; “Do you KNOW who I am?”. Often the boys Jeremy and Gottfried have had one too many single malt whiskeys which add fuel to the fire and enhance their stupidity and willingness to forcefully launch fists or crash their forehead viciously into the vulnerable hooter of another person. 9 times out of 10 Jeremy will be with numerous members of the Basingstoke working men’s club, who he will summon to join him in the epic brawl that ensues and what could safely be described as an “absolute pounding” of Gottfried. There are inevitable repercussions. Gottfried doesn’t know anything about Jeremy. Depending on how immoral and in poverty Jeremy is he may not even think twice about kicking his foe on the ground, spitting on him, stamping on him or using other implements such as a baseball bat or even  a knife to inflict pain. Either way; in these fights Gottfried is extremely vulnerable to extreme pain or permanent damage. As you can understand from my thoroughly concise analogy, the consequences for a potentially innocent Gottfried are astounding.

You can never beat scum. I could think of hundreds of incidents in which my friends have been attacked unfairly or unawares, and it has happened to me before as I was minding my own business sitting up against a wall with a girl. Scum do not have the intelligence or humility to fight fairly, they will utilise any advantage that they can find. I have seen bouncers rucking with lads who had no desire for trouble whatsoever, who didn’t need to be restrained at all, hitting them repeatedly, and apprehending them needlessly with true brutality. There is nothing more angering than when this happens, and it is all the more reason to avoid fights with strangers, as they could be anybody, and whether you end up lying on the pavement will not be determined by the stronger or more courageous, but the more corrupt and nasty.

Fighting is an animalistic thing. Humans are not biologically conditioned to fight each other. We don’t have two fuck-off horns on our craniums, or claws or some shit .We aren’t wired up like the green goblin with one of those hover boards which can double up as an instrument of death and destruction. We have evolved a complicated system of ethics and values, and an intelligence that is out of this world. But like how we are drawn to sex and food, we are drawn into fights as a result of our adrenaline and to attract or gain a mate, as a show of our masculinity and authority. Pages like the Fight Depot exist for a reason, because we are drawn to fights like a moth to a flame, as even watching them is enough to evoke an adrenaline response. That is what we are getting as we stand there comically chanting “FIGHT, FIGHT FIGHT”  as two lesbians are calling each other a bitch for what they posted on Facebook and preparing for a thoroughly dangerous and enjoyable cat fight. At subway when we are not making exquisite sandwiches me and the boss are watching fight videos in awe or discussing intently his numerous experiences which have resulted in some sucker getting absolutely smashed.

 Fighting is natural. And if we don’t pursue it in illegal means, we are pursuing it wearing gloves, or fencing, kick boxing or doing various martial arts, all in which the same thrill can be achieved.

Ok. Now forget the streets, forget the chest pushing, squaring up and gutter language. Look at it from a different perspective. Imagine in the animal kingdom, the elegant sequence of a heated battle between two stag beetles Derek and Ricardo. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8dlMFH47kKc (an enthralling encounter in which Derek humiliates Ricardo here by fearlessly tossing him off a branch, narrated by an articulate and smooth talking German) Their frightening antlers which are almost the same length of their body and designed for fighting lock together and thrust one another, a telling battle of strength and endurance. Derek the noble victor’s prize for his troubles here is another beetle called Cindy, The Holly Willoughby of the beetle world. It’s some sexy beetle time tonight for Derek, that’s for sure. It becomes apparent from watching that Derek and Ricardo are Jeremy and Gottfried in disguise . It is exactly the same. Every time you see, or contemplate a fight from now, relate it to a stag beetle fight, because we are the same as them, fucking animals, we just fight differently and are under the delusion that are fights are much more civilised or complex, when they really, really are not. We just use knuckles, which let’s face it, are rather sub-standard in comparison to Derek’s fuck off antlers.

 But it’s not worth it, and I’ll tell you for why….

The main reason why I have no desire to fight another, is this. Every single human being or animal is vulnerable to one thing. Pain. Pain is a hellish prism that surrounds us from all sides, we cannot control it, it captures us and destroys us. We have particular nerves in our body which can give us levels of pain which are unimaginable. There is one of these pains which I find the worst of all, and it has only happened to me once, and every single fight one gets into, one is incredibly exposed to the possibility of it.

It is Teeth.

The most harrowing and imposing piece of footage I have ever seen (blowing any horror film out of the water) I witnessed today. It is from American History X where Neo-Nazi Edward Norton deals rather efficiently with another gentleman because he is black and attempted to tea leaf his motor. (A short clip which can be located here; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-CtLWb4wPQ )

When I was a fat little child and being privately educated, I picked on the wrong guy for no particular reason, and he delivered a whopping sock to the kisser and I will never forget that feeling, of being hit in the teeth. It was the most enduring and uncomfortable pain I’ve ever had. Teeth are the most delicate thing, if your teeth get rocked back, or worse still knocked out, your life is over. You can be whoever the fuck you want, Orlando, Brad, Jude  or even whatshis face from Twilight who everyone believes is so goddam attractive, but if you don’t have teeth, or a symmetrical set of whites, you aren’t going anywhere in the girls department. Your life would just be centered around your three meals of the day, which will be none other than a bowl of soup, and all of your friends will incessantly be laughing at you behind your back and nickname you Heinz or Branston or something else that’s relatively amusing, whilst chomping on their granny smiths using their angelic and pearly nashers.

At some point, we will have all been in a fight, but we should learn to avoid them, and know when people are not worth the trouble, and that isn’t being a pansy. That’s just sense. The risks are too great, and the results are rarely desirable, so fighting should be avoided at all costs unless absolutely necessary.

PLEASE learn from Ricardo, Please learn from Derek. We shouldn’t sink to that level, we should love each other and embrace friendship, passion, creativity and love, because THAT’S what makes us human. Despite my reputation as a militant atheist I admire and aspire to emulate Jesus’ Christ system of morality, He is the ultimate aspirational figure of history, and his influence on the loving world in which we have the mental strength and courage to forgive our sworn enemies and live the illustrious and righteous life of a pacifist is more than inspirational. And the new testament undeniably is a beautiful piece of scripture which should apply to our lives even today. Despite what Jesus supposedly stood for being a load of absolute rubbish, he really is the epitome of virtue, let’s face it (with due reluctance).

I’m no Achilles. I would say I was a lover not a fighter, but that would be bullshit, as my sex life is currently no more emphatic than the one belonging to Norris Cole. I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want a very large skinhead to chase me around threatening to kill me again, I want to sit in my room and listen to classical music and vigorously masturbate (apart from not the vigorously masturbating part)