The Whackest Teams in Pl Soccer

Don’t sweat guys, we may be approaching the final days of 2015 but there’s still plenty of PL soccer to be played across the country. And damn we English love the PL here in the United Kingdom because it’s the best league in the world, right? No. Think again, the BPL is proving to be one of the whackest leagues in the world right now. Here are four of the whackest soccer teams playing in it right now…

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West Ham United- Damn everyone thought this team was all right at the start of the season when they were top of the super league for a few days, but then the Leicester City Foxes rightfully stole the show, outclassing them on and off the soccer pitch. This West Ham team is so whack that it’s drawn it’s last 5 games, scoring only 4 goals in their last 8 soccer matches! Coach Slaven Briddic (who is famous for hating soccer) has taught this team to become masters of anti-soccer, a strange Serbian method of soccer in which the team refuses to play football, whilst also managing to completely prevent the other team from playing soccer also. During the most recent 1-1 draw with Aston Villa, a record breaking 7 fans threw themselves off the stands and fell to their deaths due to soccer induced depression. Whatever you do this festive period, don’t let one of your pals make you watch this team or their footballing whackness will most likely leave you hating soccer and just about everything else also.

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Aston Villa FC- Now everyone who knows anything about soccer knows that this team has always been right at the nucleus of whackness since the first soccer ball was ever kicked by the English and the Germans in the WW1 trenches. But this team always manage to stay in the PL due to charity funding from the prime minister who feels sorry for them because they’re so whack. Gotta feel that the whackness will get the better of this team this time round, and they’ll get relegated this season with the likes of Manchester United and Chelsea. This team will certainly end up in league one in a couple of seasons time and grind out draws with teams like Yeovil, who are obviously so whack that no one ever talks about them, ever. Sorry Villa fans, not every story has a happy ending.

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Manchester United- So I was gobsmacked when in a news conference with ESPN, LVG referred to his team as ‘Whack United’, which can’t have been good for morale. But this team has been wavering on the brink of utter whackness ever since Alex Van Ferguson stormed out of the club in 2006. They’ve been playing too much soccer and forgotten how to score goals. This United side have now not won a match in 7 soccer fixtures. I blame Louis Van Whack, who’s fault it obviously is for being more interested in philosophy than good soccer. Rumour has it the guy’s already got a one way ticket back to Deutschland, with captain Wayne Rooney set to take the managerial post during the January transfer window. Expect there to be an explosion of whackness when this side clashes with the whackest team in the whole of England and Wales right now – Chelsea. Live on Fox tonight at 15.00 UK time.

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Chelsea FC-  More like Chelsea WC. Now I don’t need to be a medic to understand that this is a team suffering from chronic whack-disease right now. Under the presumably whack management of Jose Mourinho they fell to 15th in the EPL table, and damn that must be tough going for a title winning soccer team. They got one of the best strikers in the entire league on the bench (Loic Remy) just waiting to come on and score a hat full of goals every match. But they play 39 year old hormonal female Diego Costa in stead. Yeah great plan guys (idiots). Only Chelsea will understand this whirlwind story of good-gone-whack, but one thing’s for sure, money can’t buy you soccer.

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Liverpool are also really whack so deserve a mentioning. But now they have acquired the signature of Jurgen Klopp, who is a German who has admitted in several interviews how much he loves house and techno–being pals with the likes of Sidney Charles and Ben Klock– things might finally be looking up for Liverpool.

That’s it from me for 2015 guys. Have a great new year and most importantly enjoy the soccer. But whatever you do don’t watch any of these whack excuses of teams play, it really isn’t worth it.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens review

I recently watched The Force Awakens and I was largely very pleased with what I saw. It’s always a big gamble when it is decided that a long standing franchise will produce new films a while after the conclusion of a previous series, which in my view was something that Peter Jackson failed at with The Hobbit trilogy which was essentially a lengthy ejaculation of mawkish midget-wankery. I was rather apprehensive about how this one would pan out, having reminded myself of the scenes at the end of episode VI, when everyone is dancing all night long at that ewok rave in the woods. Behaving as if all evil has subsided for ever, and ‘order restored to the force’ … for ever.

More like for 32 years then. So all of the space invading, the rainbow of laser swords, the strange desert creatures, the cute robot pets and the fleets of charismatic and deadly ships capable of travelling at the speed of light, all return pretty quickly. The evil now lies with the (perhaps weakly named) First Order, led by a Sith Lord named Kylo Ren who owns a lightsaber that looks different to any lightsaber that has ever appeared in Star Wars. Welcome to the new age.

I was delighted to see Oscar Isaac in this. I always enjoy watching him closely, whoever he plays because he is essentially the coolest man on the planet. His role as ‘the best pilot in the resistance’ is well cast and I was routing for the guy from the off. I thought he died when he crashed, but then I was very pleased to see he survived and will no doubt be exhibiting his extreme skill at flying X-Wings in a spell bindingly flamboyant fashion for the remainder of the films.

The rest of the casting was also very much on point. I can’t comment on them all but I’ll pick out a few ; Dohmnall Gleeson was barely recognisable in his stone cold portrayal of General Hux, but that is very much a good thing, considering that he is playing an extremely evil bastard. The diversity between this character’s traits, in comparison to the character he played with Isaac in Ex Machina (a remarkable film) is testament to how decent an actor he is.

I noticed Gary Neville starred in this also, and I hope Valencia aren’t questioning his commitment to the club as their new manager (okay I’m being facetious, but did anyone else notice him in this film, playing some resistance fighter?). Gwendoline Christie was another interesting cast- as a very in-fashion actress. Although she had very few lines and her character despite being meant to be evil, didn’t really show it. I was interested to see Serkis was included in the cast, but I only realised this after I had seen the film. I was a bit disillusioned with his character; The Supreme Leader if I’m honest. He seems to have emerged completely out of nowhere (I accept this may be accounted for in due course) and his appearance is very uninspiring, in spite of how colossal it appeared as a hologram. He looks like an exact cross between the hideous orc leader at Minas Tirith, and Lord Voldermort. They could have done better when they created his appearance, I’m sure many will agree.

Needless to say, Harrison Ford was excellent. One of the moments where I really felt emotional was when Han got back into the Falcon and he was by the turret. As he was smiling at being reunited with the love of his life, we really were reintroduced to that same devilish smile that we saw in the original trilogy what seems like a lifetime ago, and it was something extremely beautiful. On the subject of Ford, I hope others noticed his extremely vulgar line that he said later in the film. I was shocked when he said it because of its overtly filthy connotations. Then he repeated it! It’s not like it even had any real purpose for the film. It could so easily have been rephrased as well, to mean exactly the same thing, and certainly no eye lids would have been batted. It was extremely peculiar…

Another thing that was tremendously conspicuous was the difference in Fisher’s accent. She has got a lot more American, her voice is entirely different now. But that’s not really a criticism, it doesn’t really matter at all, and I’m perhaps getting a bit fastidious here but hearing it did trip me up a bit.

I have some question marks about the character of Kylo Ren. It was extremely laughable how he was unable to defeat Rey and Finn in the forest, having undergone the training he had from presumably- the best Jedi in the Galaxy. He should have creamed them into the snow effortlessly with his knowledge of the force (God Abrams where has the damn realism gone?). And another thing, I really hope he isn’t simply of the ‘good guy turns bad then turns good again’ school because we’ve already seen that with Vader and worn that black, robotic, semi-asthmatic, t-shirt. They also basically did a repeat of destroying the Death Star, destroying a planet about five times its size, almost effortlessly. As soon as they set out to destroy it, you know it is going to happen. Did they have to include this, again?

Repeats aren’t good enough, of course. The storyline HAS to be something completely different this time round. The galaxy cannot just recycle itself over and over again pointlessly until it becomes like some kind of inter galactic Midsomer Murders that nobody watches. But of course I won’t be making any assumptions at this stage. I feel like they have deliberately concealed a lot of  extremely important information from us at this point, which will answer a lot of the burning questions about what the hell is actually going on with everything.

In typical Star Wars fashion the dialogue was astronomically cheesy from start to finish. “Oh my God look at how much courage that ordinary guy is displaying!” “Oh no we are in a potentially life threatening situation but I am going to pretend that I’m relaxed about it and make some kind of vacuous joke.” “I’ll rub your face son, right before I die because I love ya.”- those kinds of sentiments. But again we make allowances for that. The whole idea of the Force and the Dark Side itself is damn cheesy if you think about it. Every time I heard a line that made me cringe, I turned to a person who I had gone to the cinema with, to register it, and by the end of it I just about got whiplash. But on the whole the film was incredibly made and I was captivated throughout.

The new droid was extremely likeable, the weapons, the effects, the planets, the ships, the weird bread, they all carried a nuanced aestheticism to them which I was extremely captivated by. Everything slid into place very nicely and really set the tone for the new films, which have a lot to prove if this coming trilogy is to become admired by the galaxy’s true Star Wars fans, and for the gamble to pay off.

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Incredible Facebook Journey

They say that all the greats start at the bottom. And they do. And so did I. There was a time when I didn’t exist, and for a long period I didn’t even own a Facebook account. Coming from me! LordoftheReeves! Unbelievable right?

I was a nobody in the beginning. I used to spend my days feeling sorry for myself, miserably eating vast quantities of Monster Munch, drinking Monster and playing chess against an imaginary opponent who constituted my only true friend on Earth. Our relationship curdled after a while, he was better than me, which became extremely humiliating. Life was unspeakably unbearable.

I kept listening to Phil Collins over and over again until his voice became much like a porcupine sponge sliding ravenously up and down my back, but I listened to him anyway. I was so lonely. I thought, what hope is there for me to proceed in this life? To feel alive? To feel wanted? To feel loved? To love? To share? To experience? To be happy? The world was a land of confusion.

And then all of a sudden Mark Zuckerberg and a few of his University friends conjured Facebook, seemingly out of thin air. I spent hour after hour examining it, and exploring its wonders ,which I was delighted to find were limitless. I got in touch with friends from school who I thought I would never see again. I uploaded stati about my moods, so that me and my mouse were in touch with the entire world. Magic. A new lease of life was rushing through my previously unfulfilled veins and arteries. My blood was turning blue…

I was on my way. It was not long before I would put my face on Facebook for the very first time. I remember it like it was yesterday. I could then look at my face at the click of a mouse, at practically any time of day I chose. (And dare I say back in 2004 it was a much more youthful and pretty face than it is now! Haha!) I began to look at other people’s faces, some of them I would very much appreciate and hit the like button to signify my appreciation. When other people liked pictures of my face, I would think ‘fuck yeah’- that kind of thing. You know? It was really good.

It was at this point that I realised that Facebook was something I should be taking very seriously. I rapidly increased my friendship to 345 friends by the summer of 2006, a lot of whom I was no longer in communication with, but I liked their pictures with their partners and newly birthed offspring, and gave them a sporadic poking to keep the embers glowing- so to speak. It struck me; why ever socialise with actual human beings when I can have them all neatly contained on an intricate blue network that appears on my computer screen as and when I want it to? It really is absurd why people even bother actual networking in the prolific cyber age. I insisted my mother got Facebook via email, which she did, so I message her every once in a while just to check she is okay, sometimes liking her posts about Come Dine with Me, even though I don’t watch it, just to encourage her to keep going, God bless her. I asked my Dad to get it also, but he didn’t understand how it worked and refused, so I couldn’t be bothered any more. Now we live separate lives and I haven’t spoken to him for about 8 years.

Now as we approach the back end of 2015, I have 30,000 likes on my personal Facebook page, which I’m continuously working on. And I’ve met a woman! It was clear that she took a liking to my profile and was clearly watching my posts over a long period of time, and it was a long time before she came poking. You can’t hurry love. But come poking she did. We shared our experiences and thoughts together in the chat box, and now it’s safe to say we share a groovy kind of love (Facebook love). You’ll be in my heart for a long time Hilary, preferably until I die, and that’s just the way it is. I can’t stop loving you.

I know what you’re thinking, all this page maintenance and woman finding must get tiring. And it does take its toll, I can tell you. So when I’m all whacked out I like to enjoy a vast array of online Facebook games like Dope Wars, 8 Ball Pool, and Farmville, for example. God it’s just so easy!!!

The developments and innovations that Facebook has made since I was a lonely chess playing , Monster Munch eating miser in 2004 are astonishing. Now I can upload videos, I can inform people of my location, make groups for me and my cyber friends to post on privately, browse events, look at pictures of things which have insightful text on them, and read amazing articles, thus allowing my intellect to flower like a spring tulip. My profile is so aesthetically and stylistically rich now from cover photo to bio that it effectively resembles the Garden of Eden.

Question: So am I happy now I am the Facebook phenomenon that everyone’s talking about and that I’ve turned my life around?

Answer: Yes. Absolutely. Yes.

I made it. And it’s true- strangers like me really can make something of themselves no matter how pathetic they are. And make something of myself I certainly did, the very air I breathe smells of success now (sweet!). Opportunities come knocking at my door so often I have to turn them down because I’m so busy online. I’m working on a very exciting project at the minute. I’m publishing the very first Facebook novel ever, which is an extremely moving digital autobiography of my extremely moving story called Against All Odds: My Incredible Facebook Journey by LordoftheReeves. Keep checking your newsfeeds folks, because it’s going to be massive (and please share it). Will my story one day make the big screen? It’s too early to say. But Steve Jobs has got a film now so almost certainly, yes.

Thank you Mark. Thank you the best social network in the world. Thank you for giving me an opportunity to excel.

Choose life. Choose Facebook.

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