Recently the courageous, highly venerated and rational thinking Pope decided that enough was enough and it was time to speak out against climate change and really save our Planet from the brink of disaster and unnecessary turmoil. But he isn’t the only one to have realised the importance of protecting the planet from human destruction, 3 months later an Atlantic jellyfish who wishes to remain anonymous came forward and stressed the importance of a greener future. During interview his tone of speech alternated between both inexorable ire and soul-crushing disappointment. The jellyfish had recently returned from an annual family retreat to the Pacific to find that his journey was massively obstructed by human plastic, much of which he consumed by accident. On this journey the mostly translucent jellyfish had the misfortune of swallowing a Carlsberg beer bottle cap, which will now remain permanently visible through his translucent stomach pouch until the end of his days. The jellyfish professes that the addition of this cap has led him to experience both tremendous physical discomfort and widespread ridicule from the jellyfish community.
“Carlsberg isn’t even a nice beer. That’s what makes having this cap all the more irritating.” The jellyfish told us as he burst into tears. “I’ve somehow become a living advertisement for a product that I don’t even appreciate. Can you imagine how humiliating that is for me?” The jellyfish is also a teetotal proponent of socialism, which fuels his contempt for having this cap permanently on display which has often led to him being mistaken for a less intelligent, capitalistic jellyfish.
“The water is getting too hot now. And the acid in it is burning my tentacles. Enough is enough now” he continued.
“This has got so out of hand now. Humans are NOT amphibious creatures. They should keep all of their horrible human made materials somewhere out of the way of other life or at the very least on land! You don’t see us lot trashing the continents with our filth. We keep ourselves to ourselves in the ocean.”
The jellyfish then went on to describe an area often visited by him and other jellyfish known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch which is essentially a cluster of rubbish in the ocean estimated by some media reports to equate to be ‘twice the size of the continental United States’.
“It’s absolutely unreal how much garbage is there. My family and I are increasingly disgusted by it as we swim by it each year. It just gets bigger and bigger. How big will it have to get before you dumb humans realise the importance of recycling your plastics?”
“It’s all right for that Pope to come out and say it from his lovely Pope-sized bed in the Vatican, on his specially made Pope-Ipad. We jellyfish don’t believe in the Heaven, so this hideously awful plastic-ridden ocean life is all we’ve got. It’s us fish life who have to pick up the pieces from your mess (literally)! I don’t even think humans are considering how the jellyfish is affected by climate change.”
We couldn’t help but sympathise.