I’m feeling slightly bad about the fact that my business I’d worked for my whole life for was destroyed by the 2020/21 covid pandemic, I’m now unemployed and can’t afford my rent, is there any hope?
Well, rest assured that whatever you were selling can be bought now by your former customers on http://www.amazon.com in just a few clicks, probably for a more affordable price, and for a small monthly subscription fee Prime members can have their shopping delivered to their doorsteps on the day of purchase.
And if you’re unemployed, don’t despair-
There are 17 fulfilment centres up and down the country, a figure which is predicted to triple over the next five years. If you’re happy to complete simple, repetitive tasks at high speeds while being closely monitored and over eleven hour periods, there will always be a career for you at Amazon.
If by slightly bad you mean you you have a head ache or a chesty cough or loss of taste and smell then you need to self-isolate for 14 days or people will die. But if you mean mentally, that’s fine, we at the government understand.
You might look back fondly on the time when you had a job and Bezos didn’t technically own your house, possessions, money, balls, and the ground you walk on and that’s okay. We all get nostalgic, but the past was the past, that was normal, we are in a new normal now, and we might as well try get comfortable.
Comfortable and safe in the arms of lovely Jeff.
And one more thing, why not hit the store, enter the code #stayathome and get 10% off your authentic cotton Amazon T-shirt.
Ceaseless waves of love and compassion,
Coronavirus government radio ad man