If you’re like most people you’ll be approaching the two thousand and nineteenth anniversary of the birth of Jesus Christ with a sense of excitement and joy. And yes, Christmas is a time of the year when it comes naturally to manufacture a sense of happiness, so feel free to celebrate. By all means do the usual things. You should buy a chocolate advent calendar, you should listen to Christmas songs, you should pretend to be a Christmas tree in the town centre, you should decorate the dog in tinsel and you should do the Christmas dance in the lounge with your family. All of these things are good. Give yourself a treat this year, you deserve it. But I’m going to explain why it’s still important to take a cautious approach to Christmas.
The well known, determined critics list the potential damages of Christmas and reference consumer caterpillars… capitalism I mean capitalism, the toxicity of Abrahamic religions, annoying music you’ve heard a million times before, and ruthless international turkey massacre, not to mention the ethics of lying to children about the existence of flying reindeer. But if this all doesn’t put you off, and Christmas is really what you’re into, you might be considering doing what seems to be all the rage at the minute; the phenomenon of the multi-Christmas. Be miserable this year, and don’t celebrate Christmas at all. By saving it til next year, you can have yourself a nice big double Christmas the year after.
This is a great way of being kind to your future self. If you want to teach your children the crucial life lesson of suffer now, reward later, I can think of no more effective method than completely depriving them of Christmas altogether for at least 3 or 4 times during early childhood, in promise of enhanced Christmases in the future. They’re guaranteed to be extremely unhappy and resentful about it, but my God will they be thankful in adulthood, when they are morbidly obese and need to lose 10 stone in order to avoid heart disease and death, or perhaps when they are having to shop at Lidl in order to pay the rent for a musky one bedroom flat in Shepshed. But more importantly, the Christmases they do have will be the most profound and memorable Christmases of their lives.
But it’s not all jingle bells- and that’s what this is about. We all watch the news. We all know about that Christmas man who got carried away. A perfectly nice, healthy and sane man who had friends and also a job, but a man who really, really loved Christmas. And I mean, really, really got off on it. Rumour has it he locked himself away every December for ten years so he could do Christmas good and proper. It doesn’t matter how psychologically robust you are, having ten Christmases at once will be far too much for any of you to bear.
The man was never seen again.
Don’t let Christmas have it’s wicked way with you this year. Enjoy thoughts about Jesus and the Christmas smells and the Christmas food and the Christmas songs and the jingle jingle. Have a delightful break from it not being Christmas. But for God’s sake make sure you behave responsibly and have a moderate, safe and cautious Christmas this year.