Dear Mr Coronavirus government radio announcements man,
I’ve not had sex with a real woman for 12 months and now and I’m going to hump a tree or something?
It’s really nice to hear from you. Firstly, here at the government we understand that it can be frustrating for you and we have the utmost gratitude for the sacrifices you have to make to save lives. I for one have been feeling a bit blue because I haven’t made love to my wife for a very long time because I can’t see her anymore… but that’s for different reasons.
People like us need to accept government subsidised free unlimited online subscription to Pornhub or just find a girl online and why not try dressing up for a living room Zoom date with cocktails? and after a few months of bonding she might maybe want to…?
Because if you don’t, and you go out there and make sexy contact, the people you love will turn to dust.
Stay safe and bored for absolutely no scientifically valid reason,
The coronavirus government radio ads man