The Death of Amazon
She was the most resilient creature on Earth, on the brink of death from dehydration could turn down a glass of cold water with ice and dry up in the sand, but that’s hypothetical…
While she’s at the dinner table her husband asks “why not join Prime? Unlimited same day delivery (residential restrictions apply).” She changes the subject immediately.
While shes on the computer, she faces a barrage of pop-ups. EXCLUSIVE EARLY ACCESS TO LIGHTNING DEALS. She crosses them off.
Two more appear, Save on supplies for you and your family!
Enjoy exclusive savings and rewards!
While texting a much loved family member, she receives an SMS.
OVER 2 MILLION SONGS FOR FREE.
She blacklists the number and finishes her text.
The lady walks through the Amazon shopping centre. Everyone wears t-shirts with the underscored a. She comes to the attention of a number of employees at the Prime stand.
Excuse me, madam, may I have your attention for two minutes? We have noticed that the whole world is a member of Prime except you. Do you think there is a possibility that you might be missing out?
She walks faster.
Okay, we understand that we have not done our best in selling this wonderful service to you. We would like to offer you a $1,000,000 welcome bonus on joining. Free of course. She shakes her head. They follow her past the customer services desk.
Okay, if that doesn’t cut it. What about £10,000,000 for your chosen charity. Can’t say fairer than that madam, what do you say?
She picks up the pace. One of them is on a segway and rides at her side, his neck craning down to her. How about the gift of flight? Here at Amazon we have been working hard on a groundbreaking technology. We can now make you fly as fast and as high as you want for as long as you want. If you just sign this form right here….
Okay, seeing as it’s you, and how much we value you as a potential customer, if you sign up, you can expect to enjoy not only the benefits of a Prime membership, but the gift of immortality? A long pause.
Okay, we understand that immortality is not for everyone.
The man presses his ear piece.
AN END TO WORLD POVERTY?
She walks out of the shopping centre, and they stared at her through the panes of the of the automatic doors.
Feeling completely fine, the lady goes for a walk through the local park, the air solid with mist, the grass slippery with dew. A pair of arms reaches out from behind the swings, and grab her neck. In one of them is an Amazon pistol pointed at her temple. She lets off a long sigh.
I’m Jeff Bezos, CEO of Amazon. You must join Prime now, or I will shoot you right here in this misty park. Nobody will know it was me, and even if they did I could pay for it to be covered up with less than 1% of my wealth. The whole world will from that moment be subscribers of the Amazon project and my ambitions for the first universally Amazon planet will be achieved… He laughed in his bizarre Jeff Bezos way.
She shook her head and walked off.
Jeff’s eyes and mouth opened wide.
Jeff pointed the gun at his head.
Amazon brains all over the grass.