They say that all the greats start at the bottom. And they do. And so did I. There was a time when I didn’t exist, and for a long period I didn’t even own a Facebook account. Coming from me! LordoftheReeves! Unbelievable right?
I was a nobody in the beginning. I used to spend my days feeling sorry for myself, miserably eating vast quantities of Monster Munch, drinking Monster and playing chess against an imaginary opponent who constituted my only true friend on Earth. Our relationship curdled after a while, he was better than me, which became extremely humiliating. Life was unspeakably unbearable.
I kept listening to Phil Collins over and over again until his voice became much like a porcupine sponge sliding ravenously up and down my back, but I listened to him anyway. I was so lonely. I thought, what hope is there for me to proceed in this life? To feel alive? To feel wanted? To feel loved? To love? To share? To experience? To be happy? The world was a land of confusion.
And then all of a sudden Mark Zuckerberg and a few of his University friends conjured Facebook, seemingly out of thin air. I spent hour after hour examining it, and exploring its wonders ,which I was delighted to find were limitless. I got in touch with friends from school who I thought I would never see again. I uploaded stati about my moods, so that me and my mouse were in touch with the entire world. Magic. A new lease of life was rushing through my previously unfulfilled veins and arteries. My blood was turning blue…
I was on my way. It was not long before I would put my face on Facebook for the very first time. I remember it like it was yesterday. I could then look at my face at the click of a mouse, at practically any time of day I chose. (And dare I say back in 2004 it was a much more youthful and pretty face than it is now! Haha!) I began to look at other people’s faces, some of them I would very much appreciate and hit the like button to signify my appreciation. When other people liked pictures of my face, I would think ‘fuck yeah’- that kind of thing. You know? It was really good.
It was at this point that I realised that Facebook was something I should be taking very seriously. I rapidly increased my friendship to 345 friends by the summer of 2006, a lot of whom I was no longer in communication with, but I liked their pictures with their partners and newly birthed offspring, and gave them a sporadic poking to keep the embers glowing- so to speak. It struck me; why ever socialise with actual human beings when I can have them all neatly contained on an intricate blue network that appears on my computer screen as and when I want it to? It really is absurd why people even bother actual networking in the prolific cyber age. I insisted my mother got Facebook via email, which she did, so I message her every once in a while just to check she is okay, sometimes liking her posts about Come Dine with Me, even though I don’t watch it, just to encourage her to keep going, God bless her. I asked my Dad to get it also, but he didn’t understand how it worked and refused, so I couldn’t be bothered any more. Now we live separate lives and I haven’t spoken to him for about 8 years.
Now as we approach the back end of 2015, I have 30,000 likes on my personal Facebook page, which I’m continuously working on. And I’ve met a woman! It was clear that she took a liking to my profile and was clearly watching my posts over a long period of time, and it was a long time before she came poking. You can’t hurry love. But come poking she did. We shared our experiences and thoughts together in the chat box, and now it’s safe to say we share a groovy kind of love (Facebook love). You’ll be in my heart for a long time Hilary, preferably until I die, and that’s just the way it is. I can’t stop loving you.
I know what you’re thinking, all this page maintenance and woman finding must get tiring. And it does take its toll, I can tell you. So when I’m all whacked out I like to enjoy a vast array of online Facebook games like Dope Wars, 8 Ball Pool, and Farmville, for example. God it’s just so easy!!!
The developments and innovations that Facebook has made since I was a lonely chess playing , Monster Munch eating miser in 2004 are astonishing. Now I can upload videos, I can inform people of my location, make groups for me and my cyber friends to post on privately, browse events, look at pictures of things which have insightful text on them, and read amazing articles, thus allowing my intellect to flower like a spring tulip. My profile is so aesthetically and stylistically rich now from cover photo to bio that it effectively resembles the Garden of Eden.
Question: So am I happy now I am the Facebook phenomenon that everyone’s talking about and that I’ve turned my life around?
Answer: Yes. Absolutely. Yes.
I made it. And it’s true- strangers like me really can make something of themselves no matter how pathetic they are. And make something of myself I certainly did, the very air I breathe smells of success now (sweet!). Opportunities come knocking at my door so often I have to turn them down because I’m so busy online. I’m working on a very exciting project at the minute. I’m publishing the very first Facebook novel ever, which is an extremely moving digital autobiography of my extremely moving story called Against All Odds: My Incredible Facebook Journey by LordoftheReeves. Keep checking your newsfeeds folks, because it’s going to be massive (and please share it). Will my story one day make the big screen? It’s too early to say. But Steve Jobs has got a film now so almost certainly, yes.
Thank you Mark. Thank you the best social network in the world. Thank you for giving me an opportunity to excel.
Choose life. Choose Facebook.
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