Hoping for England

Being a die-hard England fan is no walk in the park. The vastly underwhelming past decade or so of football has well and truly conditioned us to be deadly-efficient at sucking the tiny fragments and molecules of positivity from any situation, no matter how mortally depressing. We are in a sense much like the cacti in the desert that are able to somehow make a living in the most torrid of desert conditions. Sucking moisture from the dry sand.

Beneath the surface of habitual pessimism and the perennial ‘England are useless’ cliche, we have great hope that our national side might one day get its shit together.

A lot of this hope comes from the youth. There’s always some new kid on the block who bursts on the scene and sets the Premier League ablaze. Players like Sterling, Rashford, Ali, Stones, they seem to come around quite frequently.

Of course, we know that even if these players do develop into greats, it doesn’t mean they will do it for England. Look at Wayne Rooney, the bloke is the all time leading goalscorer, having scored more than Sir Bobby, but he’s done next to nothing in major tournaments, most of his goals coming from penalties against San Marino. He couldn’t hack it. But still, the arrival of the Messiah is always round the corner. A certain Harry Kane is stepping into those shoes nicely at the moment. He is proving to be unstoppable, and surely it won’t be long before he gets scooped up by the Galácticos and scales Alan Shearer-like heights.

But behind him and the new Tottenham wizz kids, we’ve got crop full of world beaters waiting to take their chance. Our under 17s just won the World Cup, and just about every other team below the 21s have excelled on the world stage this year. Let’s hope to God this Phil Foden lad and all of his mates get given the leg up they need. The potential is undeniably there. The signs are good. Let’s hope we don’t find a way fuck it up for them.

Every five years or so England managers are disgraced, and resign before being burned at the stake, and replaced with a whole new manager with a different ‘philosophy’ altogether. And with every new manager promises a complete squad overhaul and team revamp. This is of course a good thing.  It’s happened so many times now that one of these times the gamble has surely got to pay off. It has to happen eventually, that’s basic science. One day, the cogs will simple slide into place, and England will become a lethal footballing machine…

So we’ve been alternating between states of total, bone-crushing disenfranchisement, and latent bursts of flickering optimism. Now is certainly a period for the latter to dominate. Last night a diminished England team full of youngsters took on the world champions Germany and held them to a goalless draw at Wembley. We played pretty well in defence and attack and could easily have won the game, had we taken a few simple chances. The likes of Harry Maguire, Trippier, Abraham, Gomez and Ruben Loftus-Cheek rose to the occasion ( Ruben Loftus-Cheek. What the hell kind of name is that? It’s probably the wackiest name I’ve ever heard in my life, no word of a lie). Eric Dier is looking like everything we need in midfield right now,  John Stones is soon to become the most solid centre half in the Premier League. Vardy is a menace. Pickford has the makings of an excellent keeper. Despite the fact all of these didn’t look out of place on the night, we can’t help but think if we had super Harry last night the net would have bulged.

Watching Lingard miss that half volley inside the six yard box in the 93rd minute was typically exasperating. You’re watching it while it happens in real time and you just know it’s not going to go in. So you go up to the bar, and order a nice big pint of ale that you can’t really afford and you’re back in the real world with the rest of the shitmunchers.

Things can only get better from here and sooner or later we’re going to smash a chance like that into the roof of the net. We have the coolest manager on the planet, the best young talent, and are home to the finest league in the world. We even created this stupid game in the first place. We can’t keep letting the Germans have all the fun. It’s time for them to fuck off. They’ll surely get bored of it all soon anyway, and then it will be England’s time to take over the world…

That’s right, we always say it my fellow cacti, but there are some serious positives to suck from this England team, so get behind the lads because the good times are coming, you’d better believe it.

The Whackest Teams in Pl Soccer

Don’t sweat guys, we may be approaching the final days of 2015 but there’s still plenty of PL soccer to be played across the country. And damn we English love the PL here in the United Kingdom because it’s the best league in the world, right? No. Think again, the BPL is proving to be one of the whackest leagues in the world right now. Here are four of the whackest soccer teams playing in it right now…

JS79351247

West Ham United- Damn everyone thought this team was all right at the start of the season when they were top of the super league for a few days, but then the Leicester City Foxes rightfully stole the show, outclassing them on and off the soccer pitch. This West Ham team is so whack that it’s drawn it’s last 5 games, scoring only 4 goals in their last 8 soccer matches! Coach Slaven Briddic (who is famous for hating soccer) has taught this team to become masters of anti-soccer, a strange Serbian method of soccer in which the team refuses to play football, whilst also managing to completely prevent the other team from playing soccer also. During the most recent 1-1 draw with Aston Villa, a record breaking 7 fans threw themselves off the stands and fell to their deaths due to soccer induced depression. Whatever you do this festive period, don’t let one of your pals make you watch this team or their footballing whackness will most likely leave you hating soccer and just about everything else also.

West-Ham-United-Football-Club-z

Aston Villa FC- Now everyone who knows anything about soccer knows that this team has always been right at the nucleus of whackness since the first soccer ball was ever kicked by the English and the Germans in the WW1 trenches. But this team always manage to stay in the PL due to charity funding from the prime minister who feels sorry for them because they’re so whack. Gotta feel that the whackness will get the better of this team this time round, and they’ll get relegated this season with the likes of Manchester United and Chelsea. This team will certainly end up in league one in a couple of seasons time and grind out draws with teams like Yeovil, who are obviously so whack that no one ever talks about them, ever. Sorry Villa fans, not every story has a happy ending.

lvg_3536104e

Manchester United- So I was gobsmacked when in a news conference with ESPN, LVG referred to his team as ‘Whack United’, which can’t have been good for morale. But this team has been wavering on the brink of utter whackness ever since Alex Van Ferguson stormed out of the club in 2006. They’ve been playing too much soccer and forgotten how to score goals. This United side have now not won a match in 7 soccer fixtures. I blame Louis Van Whack, who’s fault it obviously is for being more interested in philosophy than good soccer. Rumour has it the guy’s already got a one way ticket back to Deutschland, with captain Wayne Rooney set to take the managerial post during the January transfer window. Expect there to be an explosion of whackness when this side clashes with the whackest team in the whole of England and Wales right now – Chelsea. Live on Fox tonight at 15.00 UK time.

chelsea-cahill-fabregas_3344079

Chelsea FC-  More like Chelsea WC. Now I don’t need to be a medic to understand that this is a team suffering from chronic whack-disease right now. Under the presumably whack management of Jose Mourinho they fell to 15th in the EPL table, and damn that must be tough going for a title winning soccer team. They got one of the best strikers in the entire league on the bench (Loic Remy) just waiting to come on and score a hat full of goals every match. But they play 39 year old hormonal female Diego Costa in stead. Yeah great plan guys (idiots). Only Chelsea will understand this whirlwind story of good-gone-whack, but one thing’s for sure, money can’t buy you soccer.

bvb_cheekysmile_klopp_628

Liverpool are also really whack so deserve a mentioning. But now they have acquired the signature of Jurgen Klopp, who is a German who has admitted in several interviews how much he loves house and techno–being pals with the likes of Sidney Charles and Ben Klock– things might finally be looking up for Liverpool.

That’s it from me for 2015 guys. Have a great new year and most importantly enjoy the soccer. But whatever you do don’t watch any of these whack excuses of teams play, it really isn’t worth it.