It is with deep regret that today I inform you of the failure of Operation Jerusalem, which it turns out was at best a pipedream. While at work on Saturday I asked my kind neighbour to lay my two humane rat traps, which she did, impregnating them with cheddar cheese. The next morning I woke up in bed at work, thinking about what it would be like to meet Rattus, trapped, before my very eyes. After much deliberation I decided on taking him to Holme Pierrpoint, which is not a civilisation per se, but has buildings, waste deposits, and much rat-friendly natural foliage.

The sky was grey with rainclouds, and the roads and fields flooded by the merciless downpour of hours, if not days. I arrived at the flat and made my way up the stairs, videoing as I went, hoping to give my readers an entertaining live spectacle.

First I checked the cage in the lounge, and found that the neighbour had planted some cheese at the front of the cage, and some at the back, by the trapping platform, which was untouched, as expected.

Next I went to Rattus’ bedroom, and found the trap empty. I should have foreseen, there was plenty of cheese at the back, but the cheese at the front had disappeared. Reflecting on this, it is facinating and reveals a surprisingly high level of cognition from our unfortunate rodent squatter. He arrived at the scene, inspected the cheese at the front and thought

“I will take that cheese, no problems, but I am not sure about the cheese in this novel metallic structure, so I will avoid it and hereby deprive myself of immediate gratification‘ deeming it to be ‘suss’ as the children of our age would say.

Faced with this situation any simple animal would see the cheese, and as its whole Raison d’être  as a being on this Earth is effectively to find and eat things like cheese, would merrily crawl in there and celebrate a free dinner. But no, Rattus is much smarter than that.

It was with a sigh that I accepted that the new operation would involve the help of external providers who specialise in the practice of extermination. I contacted Daniel, a young lad who works for the surveying arm of Pest Control, and informed him of events. He told me he had never heard of humane trapping, and clarified with me that if his services were to be called upon, the rat would eventually be ‘dispatched.’

The next day he was to come in and survey how many Rattus’ there were, where they were living, how they got in, and what business they had in my home.

And Rattus lives to fight another week.